Michelle Tiffany Anderson

Just another asshole with nothing to say.

Why You Should Stop Internet Stalking Your Ex

There are many reasons everyone should just STOP doing this. For each of us, it is likely different. For you it might be because you’re likely to stumble upon happy moments that they’re having when what you really want is for them to be dying without you. For me, it’s more that though I sincerely wish good things for my ex’s, I want them to fucking not exist to me ever again. I mean, can’t we go back to the days of Seinfeld when we didn’t know any-fucking-thing about our exs’ save the occasional sitcom run-in? When you tumble down the wormhole that is looking at your ex’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, and so on, you waste time feeling jealous and sad when you should be living your own life and being a full, happy person. You start signing onto these platforms simply to see what your ex is up to, rather than to interact with the people in your life that actually matter. You can’t truly move on from someone, until you learn to stop caring about them. If you’re internet stalking, you still care! On top of that, you’re being pathetic. We’ve all been there, but I can tell you I feel 1000x better when I just steer clear of that bullshit. It’s a huge practice in self control, and what you learn from moving on is so worth it.

So, in 2014 I implore all who read this to follow my lead and stop being fucking pathetic shitbags who stalk their ex’s on the internet. Instead, use that time to learn something new — you know, like how to not be a crazy person! Or rollerblading! I don’t know, what do young people like to do again? I am going to spend that time eating more cheese!

Here’s to a new year and a slightly less crazy you!

 

Anderson Out.

The Middle Man

The thing is, that I really love my parents. However, I’ve had quite the disjointed upbringing and it took all of about six days of me living back in Tacoma to remember why I left. My parents cannot help talking shit about each other, and I feel sixteen again. Despite the fact that my dad and stepmom split up almost 10 years ago, I have never stopped listening to them complain about one another. I have heard every story from both of their points of view. Kept secrets for both of them. Constantly felt like I am walking on egg shells. My opinion and feelings on the subject do not matter. I am so tired of playing the middle man. Please just stop. 

New York Bucket List

As you may or may not know, I am moving to Seattle at the end of this year, which is very bittersweet. I am excited to be back in the Pacific Northwest but I do love parts of New York City and will miss it. I have been cultivating a bit of an NYC Bucket List, which was originally a google doc that NO ONE I SENT IT TO LOOKED AT. So, I thought I would share:

  •  See another broadway show, preferably Wicked
  • Kick a pigeon
  • Ride the Staten Island ferry at night while drinking tall boys
  • See the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (I might get grumpy and bail on this a half hour in….DEAL WITH IT)
  • Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity 3
  • Go ice skating in Central Park
  • Steal someone’s cronut from them right as they walk out of the bakery
  • Go to The Whitney Museum
  • Go to The Guggenheim Museum
  • Drink Wine out of beakers from City Winery….FOR SCIENCE!
  • Act out the final scene of Sleepless in Seattle on the top of the Empire State Building (this will require a child)
  • Apparently if you stay on the 6 train past its last stop, it turns around in the old City Hall subway station, which is supposed to be gorgeous – I want to go to there
  • Throw rocks at hippies hanging around strawberry fields
  • Pick up one of the hot guys who sells christmas trees on the street in NYC
  • Eat at The Meatball Shop
  • Eat at Dinosaur BBQ
  • Eat at Milk Bar (AGAIN!)
  • Throw a snowball at a bully
  • Santacon

Join me for anything you would like! What do YOU think I should do/see/try before I go??

Anderson Out.

Slam Poetry Actually Worth Watching

“I asked 5 questions in genetics class today, and all of them started with the word sorry.”

This line that Lily says at minute 2:55 nailed something I have been trying to express for years. I always apologize for my reactions, emotions, and thoughts because I have been taught that is how I should be. I have been taught that what I think and feel is irrational and that I need to apologize for feeling these things.

I won’t apologize any more. Many of the people I apologize to should be apologizing to me. Those people treat me badly, and then I apologize for having feelings about it. I am good to the people I love, and they should be good to me, end of story.

Kudos to this woman. She is a fucking inspiration.

A Study, in Coldplay

Me: I love this string quartet version of Thrift Shop.

Kelli: The only, the ONLY, string quartet stuff I don’t like, is Coldplay

Me: ……

……

……..You….don’t like….COLDPLAY?? I LOVE Coldplay! 

KELLI! The Scientist? “Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard” ?? KELLI. That song KILLED me when I broke up with Tim. 

HOW?? 

UGH

COLDPLAY!!

Go Ahead and Kill Me if I Ever Want Engagement Photos

Seriously. Because if I do, then I am no longer Michelle. A bored, Pinterest using alien has taken over my brain and is controlling me.

I would never voluntarily get engagement photos…because I am not the worst. 

I am only 25, but I have already watched a lot of friends an acquaintances get married, and the pomp and circumstance that surrounds the whole wedding is so ridiculous to me. Perhaps it’s because of social media, but it seems that people are SO EAGER to prove that they are in love and have found the person who they are going to spend eternity with. As if by the time you are 22 you have really find the ONLY one for you. 

Everything about weddings are silly to me. You want to get married and celebrate that love — more power to you, I am happy for my friends that are happy. But the term “wedding season” makes me want to gouge my own eyes out. 

Annoying brides should be confined to Pinterest where they can interact with other bored soon-to-be’s and leave the rest of us to enjoy Facebook and Twitter for what it was meant for: self promotion.

Don’t get me wrong, I eventually want to be married and have kids. I can’t wait for a time in my life where I am not the most important person to be and I get to raise little humans. But that time is not now. And I won’t be terrible to be around when I am getting married either. 

Maybe I just don’t have the eye for weddings, but if it’s up to me, I am just going to get married at the courthouse and have a pizza party afterwards. Official instagram hashtag: #pizzawedding 

Obviously I am going to wear a pretty dress though, because I am adorable like that. But I promise to never ever subject my friends to my engagement photos because….BARF. Seriously. That being said — I really hope people I marginally know don’t stop taking engagement photos because I realllllly like making fun of them. 

Anderson out. 

MIKA IS A HE?

Kelli: You know….Mika will always be a parakeet to me. Like I know you say otherwise but I can only image Mika as a parakeet.

Me: Well no, Mika is a small parrot. Parakeets aren’t small Parrots, they are a completely different bird. Like, Mika is only slightly larger than a parakeet, but he is a Parrot. 

Kelli: ………Mika is a he? MIKA IS A HE?? Michelle….NO. Mika is a female parakeet in my mind and now you’re telling me that Mika is a MALE PARROT?? Do you understand what this means?? I have been living a lie for the last year? I have been living under the RUSE that Mika is a girl!! That doesn’t even make sense! Everyone KNOWS Mika is a girl name! That’s like naming a boy Leslie or Debbie….purposefully deceptive! 

Me: Well….Don’t worry I’ll never date a dude with a Parrot again.