Anxiety

by Michelle

I often feel trapped by my own life. I never quite feel like it’s right. I don’t know how much I like the people the who occupy it, though I know I love them. Small annoyances start to feel like too much to handle. An hour waiting for a text message response causes anxiety to well up in my chest that lingers long after I hear back. I spend too much of my time convinced the people in my life don’t really want to be there, as if I tricked them somehow, steeling myself against their inevitable exit by allowing myself to be annoyed by their personalities. The tears well up. I’m so tired. Late at night it all feels like too much. But with the sunrise comes new resolve to be ok. There are days, weeks, months even where I feel full of joy and love my life. It’s normal to have good times and bad, but we all pretend we only have good. I wish it felt normal. I wish the anxiety didn’t freeze me. Waiting. Always waiting. Just waiting to feel better. I’ve lost entire days, weeks, months even to anxiety. I wish people didn’t prove the anxiety right. I wish we were better to each other. I’m so tired. Tired of being the organizer, care taker, the responsible one. I wish people were better. I wish I could trust that this is real, and not the anxiety talking. I wish I could trust my intuition. But the anxiety lies to me, tells me I should worry. I’m so tired of worrying.

Fuck anxiety.

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