Something Besides the Usual Humor
This week a year ago, I stopped talking to my mother. So the TL;DR version of this is a lot of feels about that. Feel free to skip this post, your regularly scheduled humor posts will be back in no time. That all being said, I need to write about my this, and hopefully those of you who do read it, will find some solace in the fact that we are not alone in our pain. This is also something I don’t normally share with people, so please understand this is the hardest thing I have ever written.
This week a year ago, I stopped talking to my mother. It’s not really what I wanted, I thought the talk we had would lead to her changing and being the mom I always needed, but it didn’t. Instead our talk lead to more of the same and eventually, no longer hearing from her besides the fifty dollars she sends to me every Christmas. I suppose my mother can be summed up in that one act. Every year she goes out of her way to get fifty dollars in USD, put it in a card, and mail it to the most recent address she has for me. She has never asked nor tried to learn what it was that I might want as a Christmas present. She just does what she always did. And that, is basically her entire personality. This time a year ago, my mother called me to apologize for something, but what she really wanted was to call and talk about herself. This may sound cold or unfeeling, but that’s how it’s always been with her so it’s hard for me to really feel anything about it. I can’t count the number of times she’s called me, usually drunk, so tell me what she really thinks. She thinks I’m a bitch, or selfish, or that I think I am better than everyone else. I can’t be sure where these comments come from, seeing as she barely knows me, nonetheless I learned early on to not answer the phone if she called after a certain time.
I guess I don’t really know what I have been missing out on. I have no way of knowing what it is like to grow up with a mom. However, that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t hoping for some sort of relationship to the woman that gave me life. Since the age of four, it has felt like something was missing, and I was hoping by confronting her about her cycle of emotional abuse she that would want to have a relationship with me. I’ve never said this before, in writing or otherwise, but learning that I was wrong was the hardest part of bringing our relationship to end. Giving her the chance to have a relationship with me, and her disappearing again might have been worse than her leaving in the first place.
I am very lucky to have the amount of love in my life that I do. But my mom’s behavior over the last 20 years has left me at a loss for how to properly express myself. I hope for those of my loved ones who have read this, that you understand me a little better. I work every day to be a good person and a loving person, but an open person is something I am bad at being.
Someone once asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Without missing a beat I said, “Happy.” And I am happy. I am not without faults or scars, but I am happy. I attribute none of that to the woman known as my mother, but all of it to my friends, my dad, my brother, and grandma. I love you all deeply, and I thank you for your love. I guess what I learned in the last year, is that if someone makes you feel shitty they shouldn’t be in your life. Period. I encourage all those I love to stand up for themselves and never allow other humans to treat them badly.
Moving on is difficult, but when you break free, you realize all the pain is worth it.