I have these bruises on my shins; huge purple and green bruises. Bruises that are stopping me from baring my legs on nice days. Bruises that I got because I am a neurotic fucking idiot.
Last June I had bed bugs, and it was one of the most stressful events of my life in NYC. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and worst of all I felt like I couldn’t enjoy my environment. Just writing about this is making me itch right now. Two weeks ago I thought I had bed bugs again. So I decided to wash and dry all my clothing and bedding just in case. I stuffed all my clothing, which frankly is far too much stuff to begin with, into large black trash bags, packed them into one of those personal grocery carts and went on my way to the laundromat. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I raced down the sidewalk trying not to cry. Half way there the front wheel of the cart hit a crack in the sidewalk — I went flying over the front of the cart and landed sprawling on the ground surrounded by trash bags full of my clothes. As I lay there on the ground being glared at by an old Asian lady who I am pretty sure thought I was homeless, I realized that I needed to calm the fuck down. I can’t control my environment all the time. Luckily, I do not have bed bugs — although that did not stop me in taking several preventative measures. This all got me thinking though, so often I think of my life in terms of the bad things that have happened — especially my life in NYC. It’s easy to look at the last three years of my life as being really fucking shitty. There has surely been the bad — I almost got peed on more than once for christ’s sake. But the last three years of my life have changed me for the better. I have realized the amazing capacity for change that I possess as a person, as I have spent the last three years dealing with a lot of demons that I gained during my childhood. I learned how to have healthy relationships with people, and trust that people really do care. To know that just because you don’t hear from someone as much as you would like to, it doesn’t really mean anything negative. That I don’t have to compare my happiness with others. In fact, I learned that the relative depravation I have spent most of my life focusing on is what has made me the most unhappy. Happiniess is a choice. Working on who you are, being self aware, and creating opportunity are all on you. I suppose I could have continued to blame others for how I felt, but I learned that it doesn’t really help me be who I want to be. As I sit and wait for a phone call that, at this point, I am sure isn’t coming, I am not really as upset as I thought I would be. Because all it means is that, I am not taking up as much of that person’s headspace as they are of mine. and that is OK. It is okay to not be the center of someone’s day. There is surely no one in my life that takes up all of my headspace — thank god. Not that I never want to end up back in Seattle, but I used to think that is where all of the people that were most important to me existed. However, as I take stock of all that I have in NYC I realize, that for now; NYC has me. The magic of the city and the people that I love here, has me. At least for now.