Squirrels are Dumb Assholes

by Michelle

Every time I walk up the stairs to my third floor apartment with something heavy in my hands, I realize how truly out of shape I am. This is what I was thinking when I came home on Tuesday evening as I reached the top of my stairs, after cat sitting and christmas shopping, ready to enjoy my chinese food. Suddenly, my roommate opens the door laughing in an ominous way. “There is a squirrel in our apartment.”

Of course there is a fucking squirrel in our apartment, of course. Why was there a squirrel in our apartment? Because I was exhausted and looking forward to eating dinner and relaxing before bed, apparently.

Actually it is because our chimney isn’t properly sealed off, and also because squirrels are fucking assholes. YOU LIVE OUTSIDE WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOME??? It wanted to get out so bad, so why did it fucking come inside in the first place?? Because squirrels are dumb fucking assholes.

So, it broke into our apartment, caused general destruction and unwrapped and ate several hershey’s kisses.


Anderson Out.


UPDATE: My roommate named him Nathan, which is totally fitting. Like, if you saw him you’d be like, “yeaaa he totally looks like a Nathan.”