My Dirty Little Secret

by Michelle

I have a secret.

I hate the Olympics.

I don’t know why because I love sports of all kinds but I just don’t give a shit about the Olympics. And I hate pretending to care about it too, but I don’t want everyone to think I’m an asshole — at least more than they already do, that is.

I have these vivid memories as a child in Germany and being forced to watch hours of speed walking lesbians with my mom’s boyfriend. He would explain in detail the rules of speed walking and how is was different from running, as if as a nine year old I cared whether or not their feet were touching the ground. Now, I can’t be sure I was watching the Olympics but because I hate the Olympics I literally have no clue what the events are. So, as far as I’m concerned speed walking could be an event. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was, it’s equally as boring as the rest of the events.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a dripping wet muscular men in speedos as much as the next girl. Maybe if it was just all hot, nearly naked swimmer dudes I would be interested. Alas! I also have to watch speed walking lesbians.*

I figured I couldn’t admit my dirty secret while the Olympics were still in progress and everyone was talking about medals, gabby’s hair, and that one guy with the grill and inexplicably large female following. But now that they are over and I’m no longer a young child in Germany, I can finally tell you all, I hate the Olympics. They bore me and I think medal counts and the obsession is ridiculous. We put these athletes on a literal pedestal for two weeks and then forget about them for two years. I find this shit so dumb and I refuse to discuss country ratings and athlete stats any more!

In two years I will silently suffer through two weeks of winter Olympics small talk but until then, y’all can shove it.

Anderson out.

* I don’t know if these speed walkers were ACTUAL lesbians. It was the 90s women had bad perms and short hair.