Never Have I Ever

by Michelle

not done all of these things. Wait…that was confusing. I have done all of these things. And if you play me in a game of Never Have I Ever using the below, you will surely win but I will surely be drunk so perhaps we both win?

Have you ever sang the entirety of the song Endless love, switching off between duets and imagining the missing harmonies in your head when you are along in your apartment?
I have.

Have you ever screamed “FUCK YOU” at your phone because the guy you like isn’t asking you to hang out? To be clear, not at the guy, but at the phone, the…inanimate object.
Because I have done that.

Have you ever wrapped your hair up in Princess Leia buns while singing along to rap music in your living room only to contemplate how weird it would be if you started pretend lightsaber fighting to freak out the neighbors who can see into your window?
I have. Although, in my defense I was coloring my hair (hence the wrapping of it) and drinking wine alone. So….whatever.

Have you ever taken Ambien for the first time and accidentally stayed up too late and then suddenly realized how heavy gravity is? Like so heavy you have to crouch and your phone melts why you try to text?
I have.

Have you ever been walking down the street and when you get to a stop light you realize you must burp. But being a lady you assume its a dainty burp. Unfortunately it is a Barney from the Simpsons style burp and the man next to at the crosswalk stares at you in horrified shock and you just pretend nothing ever happened?
I have.

Have you ever suddenly realized that perhaps singledom for you stems from innate need to wear sweatpants as soon as you walk through the front door to your apartment and unwillingness to control how many popsicles you eat before you get sick


I have.