Ghost Writing – Not as Cool as Ghost Riding

by Michelle

A friend of mine recently received a very funny email from a gentleman on a dating website — plenty of fish, to be exact — and she “commissioned” me to be her ghost writer for this particular exchange:

Plenty of Fish Dude:
Totally. Dig. The hair. It kind of reminds me of a soft and shiny field of wheat, slowly waving in the field on a warm and lazy summer day — right before it gets harvested and processed into beer. Why beer? Who knows, I love beer. And you reminded me of it, which made me smile. Whoa, I just realized the enormity of that statement… your first impression ONLINE made me smile! I guess this is what they mean by love at first sight haha 🙂 Sorry, bad habit — I just say/type stuff impulsively whenever they remind me of stuff — where are my manners, Hi I’m [identity protected]! Let’s talk more — when are you usually free to chat?

After no response he wrote this little number back:

I just now realized what must have happened to you–
You must have been burglarized, and the only thing that horrible and wretched thief must have stole was your keyboard. I feel bad now you poor, poor soul… you must have been so traumatized just sitting there staring at my profile on the screen, clicking away futilely and slamming your mouse down in frustration multiple times while cursing the heavens that this had to happen to you today and that there’s no way for you respond to me.
Like I said… luckily for you, I’m an exceptionally perceptive guy. I mean how many other guys would know that is EXACTLY what happened to you with the limited information you gave me 🙂 And since I’m also in the business of solving problems, I’ve devised a solution to help you get in contact with me:
Get some matches, grab 3 garbage cans, and arrange them in a triangle formation to set them all on fire simultaneously. This will create an accurate smoke triangulation signal so I can come over and find you. I’m like a modern-day knight in shining armor.

My friend sent these to me and I “lol’d” as the kids are calling it these days. I obviously accepted her offer as ghost writer. Here was my response:

Though I appreciate your well thought out solution to our communication problems AND the implication that you could be my night in shining armor — which, honestly, has been a dream of mine ever since I saw pretty woman, minus the hooker part — such theatrics will not be necessary. Your keen sense of perception has lead you to already be knowledgeable of my unfortunate luck in being burglarized. However, my week has turned up! No, I didn’t get a new keyboard (TOO OBVIOUS of a solution), but I did get “Talk It Type It” software. Luckily for me, my grandmother still had this revolutionary software from when she bought it in 1998 to help her send more coherent emails — it didn’t work. Hence her passing it along to me. So, I guess what I am trying to say is: sorry for the delay. If I could have written back immediately here is what I would have said:
I totally. Dig. My Hair. Too. Weirdly enough, some mornings I wake up surrounded by it and immediately crave beer. Because I mean, who doesn’t love beer? The mere fact that you relate me to beer is a large step in the right direction. However, I do think love at first sight generally involves less beer and more….talking animals? Sorry, I am basing this presumption wholly on Disney Movies.


Your move, Plenty of Fish Dude.


Anderson Out.