I’m The Worst

by Michelle

I’m the worst. I am THE worst because I waste all my free time doing stupid shit when I should be writing posts that my friend has been asking me to write for like 3 months. So, this one’s for you Ellen!

Single ladies are abound in NYC, and no matter how many times Beyonce tells us to put our hands up most of us are looking for a little bit more. Therefore, many single ladies retreat to the dark depths of internet dating, and though we all hear some success stories (mostly people who meet on World of Warcraft), it’s usually a pretty unsuccessful experiment. In fact, most of us are put off merely by the profiles. So, as a card carrying single lady I thought I would pass along a little advice as to the no-no’s of an online dating profile, for men of course.

  • Do not, wear a fedora in your profile picture. Actually, just never wear a fedora. Ever.
  • Don’t have a username like “2big4u” or “Doug69bigdick.” It makes me think you do not, if fact, have a big dick but ARE a big dick.
  • Don’t put up pictures of just your abs. Enough said about that.
  • Professional looking pictures make you look pretty douchy as well.
  • Don’t post pictures with ex girlfriends where their faces aren’t cropped out. Are you trying to prove how hot the girls you used to stick it in are? And don’t pretend you don’t know how to edit the picture, you can crop in Microsoft Word for christ’s sake.
  • ….is your username Fap?? you know that means masturbating right? Well you should, because with a username like that, you’re going to be doing A LOT of masturbating.
  • Hipsters, please stop talking about your bikes. Stop being so contrived. Hello, you’re on a dating website so clearly, you are not as cool as you think you are.
  • Stop saying you’re fit if you’re just average. Chicks don’t care about how fit you are as much as guys think we do. Being average is not a flaw.
  • Oh. You have a MySpace. So your band is terrible then?
  • Internet speak is the worst. Seriously, just stop.


Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk but let’s all stop trying so hard, ok? Like, give a little info, throw up a few normal pictures and just talk to me. Let’s not pretend that meeting on the internet isn’t a little awkward, approach me like you would in a bar — just TALK! Don’t message me weird things. One guy sent me a message that only said, “decent demands” — what the fuck does that even mean? If your message requires no punctuation, perhaps you should reconsider sending it. Don’t put too much thought into it — just saying “Hi how are you?” is enough, because honestly, I will take a look at your profile before I decide to message you back and that profile will make the decision for me, not something you think is witty via OkCupid message. You could probably send me a message that says, “Hi I’m Jim and I think you’re someone I might like to bang.” I mean, that’s why we’re all here isn’t it? And let me tell you, if you are wearing a fucking fedora in your profile picture, I know you’re someone I don’t want to bang.


Anderson Out.