And Michelle Never Went on an OkCupid Date Again

by Michelle

My first OkCupid date….where to begin? Perhaps I should start with some things that I learned in choosing who to meet up with.

Firstly, men lie about their height in the same way that women lie about their pant size. But here’s the thing — an arbitrary pant size number is very different than say, claiming you are 5’10” when you are really 5’5″. The reason is, women’s pant sizes have very little to do how small or large you are. Though fashion has conditioned us to think a size 2 is normal and a size 10 is fat, a size 2 merely means you have the body of a child and a size 10 means you have the body of an average woman. Now height on the other hand is an actual measurement of how tall you are or, as was in this guy’s case, aren’t. Up next – what people actually look like.

I like to think that I am better looking in person than I am in photos, although that may be wishful thinking, most people are better looking in real life. I am careful not to choose photos where I look hotter than I actually am, as to not disappoint potential suitors. So I thought it safe to assume that of my date; I was hugely incorrect — back to that later. Apparently men not only lie about their height, but if they are seriously weird looking will not choose a recent enough picture of themselves to accurately portray this to women.

On to the date itself; it was a train wreck. He was not good looking like his picture. He was short and creepy and had weird puffy hair and beady little eyes. Although I am not super into looks, I am definitely not into guys who look like they spent the last fifteen years ringing the church bells in Notre Dame. And he was weird — really, really weird. I don’t know if everyone will get this reference, but it is the only way I can exemplify this guy’s personality. He was the type of weird that men who voluntarily work stage crew on a play or musical are. Unkempt in a disgusting way, weirdly confident, and surprisingly open about things that most therapists would advise one to not speak about in public ever. The following is a list of things he actually said to me on the date — followed by my thoughts:

  • I like really weird music. Like, music that either makes you want to fuck someone or kill someone. (Oh god. He’s going to murder me. But apparently only if a song he really likes comes on.)
  • Well see, my weight fluctuates really quickly — so right now I am skinny but I can be really fat too. (Sexy. Can’t wait to see that happen.)
  • In college I was just fucking anything that moved. (This is something that while vulgar if anyone says it, triggers my gag reflex when someone I am not attracted to says it.)
  • I love star trek. (Do you also love World of Warcraft? Because that would just be the icing on the cake…)
  • Well I was severely isolated as a child and was a basement dweller. (Take me now.)
  • My parents are really fucked up people. (CLEARLY)
  • Well I used to, and still sometimes do, suffer from severe mental illness. (OMG IS HE GOING TO CLARIFY???!!!)
  • The music they play here is so weird. (WHY ISN’T HE CLARIFYING THE MENTAL ILLNESS THING??)
 As you can see, it was a painful night. THANK GOD I am the type of person that could make conversation with a brick wall — I should get a fucking emmy for my performance on that date. It’s not that I was trying to lead him on, I just really didn’t want to get serial killed. Although, it is probably also a blessing that he didn’t try to touch me because I might have punched him in the nose. The though of his greasy body getting anywhere near me makes me physically ill.
To top it off here is how the night ended:
Me: Well I should get going, I have to get up early.
Him: Oh really?
Me: Yes, gotta get up early and go for a run.
Him: Watching your figure?
Me: Well, I’m going to hawaii in a month, so you know, bathing suits.
Him: I hate wearing bathing suits because I have really big nipples. 
Yes — you read right. He actually said that. That moment just keeps ringing through my head. This is my life. This is the closest I have come to a date in a year and half of living in New York City. I just….don’t even know.
And Michelle never went on an OkCupid date again….
Anderson Out.