by Michelle

Not so long ago I was mildly stalked by this co worker who had an unhealthy fixation on me for some strange reason. He was this english guy that was also friends with my uncle that also made it weirder. Long story short it started with him sexually harassing me at the company christmas party, obsessively asking my friends about me and trying to get invited to things he knew I’d be at after I quit and ended with me telling him to please, fuck off. So, he eventually left me alone and moved back to England and back to his poor, unfortunate girlfriend who doesn’t have any clue what a disgusting human being he is. He only moved a couple of months ago but apparently is coming back for a visit, which I only know because both my uncle, who was friends with him pre-stalking and one of my good friends who is not friends with him but he bothered incessantly about me, are on the email chain. I have not seen actually email chain but I imagine it goes something like this…kindly read the parts labeled “R” in an exaggerated English accent:

R: Well mates, I fink we should start out the night wif a round or ten o’ drinks at the local pub. O’ course we’ll only drink fings dat sluttay young girls would drink so we can get nice and knockered!!! OH YEAAAAAA

Everyone Else: Well, you might have have to be more specific as since this is the very large city of New York there isn’t exactly a “local pub.”

R: Well mates, we all know my local pub is anywhere I can get a pint along wif some tits and snatch in my face. OH YEAAAA. “Gentlemen’s Club” it is mates! You’ll have to watch out though because all the scags will be all up on my dick as usual and I can’t have the little lady findin out I been naughty in Americaaa — I’ll have to leg it all the way to me mums if she finds out!

Everyone Else: Perhaps we should just avoid the strip club then?

R: Strip club it is! See you soon, mates. OH YEAAAA

(this is very funny in my head because I can actually hear him saying these things.

Unfortunately, I will not make it out this event as we are no longer on speaking terms. It’s too bad, perhaps if we had been different people….Him, less creepy…Me, with lower self esteem…we could have been something. Then again….OH NOOOOOO