Do Not Say the Following

by Michelle

I am a person with lots of pet peeves. To be honest I hate pretty much everything that other people do, because obviously, I am perfect. So clearly, I would have a list of things that people say that make me want to punch them in the face. The following are the phrases/words that bother me most, in no particular order.

  • Expresso: first off, the word is ESPRESSO. There is no “x” in that word, so why would you be pronouncing it that way? Are you illiterate? Because that would be the only excuse. While working at a coffee shop I once had a co-worker that said that all the time and it drove me up the wall. Like, are you for real? We work at a fucking coffee shop — how can you say it like that? I once said to her, “You know the word is espresso, right? There is no x.” She replied, like an idiot would, “Whatever, it still gets the point across.” So I said, “Well I could say ‘turxey’ and you would know what I meant but I would still sound like an idiot.”  She didn’t like me very much, not sure why.
  • “I literally slept for, like, a thousand hours last night” wait wait wait, you just literally a hyperbole?? I hate people who talk like this. They clearly don’t know what literally means. They are literally idiots.
  • Hella: This is one of my least favorite words ever. It’s like young people WANT people to think they are stupid and worthless. “There was hella people there.” First off, sentence grammatically incorrect, because if you were using an actually quantifiable descriptor above the number one you would say “There WERE 2500 people there.” But because you are stupid enough to use the word hella, you also don’t understand basic grammar. And because you probably say things like, “I would be hella good at this job.” You are never going to get a real job.
  • “You gonna be in my hood tonight?” Now I only don’t like this phrase when middle class white people from the suburbs use it. I hate to break it to you, homeboy, but your cul-de-sac is not, nor will it ever be, a “hood.”
  • Cray cray:  Many word are shortened and though they sound stupid, most people are saying them out of convenience, but how in the world is “cray cray” easier than saying crazy? I fucking hate when people say this SO MUCH. I’ve never literally punched someone in the face for saying this, but I always literally want to when they say this. I guess I’ll just have to settle for telling them they have never sounded dumber. ever.
  • Redonkulous:   If you have ever said this not as a joke, you should just stop talking forever.
I have very little faith left in my generation. Maybe I should just start speaking in Old English to counter-act what this is doing to the English language.
I abhore mine own generation as it is ravin the English language. Thou must with expedience front a knave lest he be o’er wroght with vile unpregnant ways of speaking.
Anderson Outeth.