I Do Not Enjoy New Yorkers

by Michelle

I was trying to think of a creative title for this but I decided I didn’t care all that much because it’s late now and I am sleepy. There are many reasonable things I could put on my list of why I do not like New Yorkers — but I think this past week personified it well enough for me. Let’s start with the big ‘quake. I know what you’re thinking, The one that happened in Virginia? Why yes, dear faithful reader, I *am* talking about the 5.8 earthquake in Virginia that caused the tiniest of shaking in NYC. So tiny that one friend told me she thought her coworker was kicking the wall. However, you would think we experienced something earth shattering the way people reacted to it.  Someone actually asked me if the earth could “crack” from an earthquake.
Now, I wouldn’t call myself an earthquake expert but….I didn’t know how to explain to her that the sidewalk, which is man made, cracking and the earth splitting open are two very different things. So I just said, Ummmmm. NO.

To top off the “earthquake,” we had a “hurricane.” So of course everyone panicked and started buying up groceries like there was literally not going to be a tomorrow. I was going to go to Trader Joe’s in Chelsea and there was a line down the sidewalk just to get into the store. So I was all, FUCK THAT. I am going to Whole Foods. Even though I hate Whole Foods, I DO NOT hate it more than I would hate waiting in line to get into a grocery store. Also, let my clarify that I wasn’t worried about running out of food, I was just taking advantage of the fact that since there was a hurricane coming I could sit inside my apartment the entire weekend eating junk food and drinking coffee while watching Mad Men on Netflix* — that was my version of “hunkering down.” Anyway, back to Whole Foods, where I am in line behind a very rude New Yorker of the male persuasion. While we were in line he knocked over some glass bottles and so I kind of went for them so they wouldn’t break and was fixing them and he was all, “It’s fine. You don’t need to help.” UMMMMM, Excuse me?? First off, MISTER, leave the bitchiness to the Ladies and the Gays. Secondly, I was just trying to pick up the bottles so they didn’t break everywhere and make a mess because you were far too hurried and important to not set your basket on top off a glass bottle display, you fucking idiot. I was stopping you from making a fool of yourself. You’re Welcome.

So to all New Yorkers: Next time just say, “Thanks.”



*I do not condone the use of Netflix. I HATE NEXFLIX. I hate their price raising. I hate that I have no other good choices for online streaming (I’m looking at you HULU — fuck your commercials). I hate their stupid website that is NOT user friendly. But what I hate most of all is that I don’t hate netflix…
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.