The Next in a Series of Lists
Just kidding…but seriously this is another list. I am taking stock of all the stupid things I have done while drunk in an effort to convince myself not to drink too much on my birthday. The list is as follows:
I once fell off the top step of a bus, badly brusied myself, forgot about it and 2 hours later asked my friends why I was covered in bruises.
The first time I met Shiselle I explained the difference between a golden snatch (highly coveted vagina) and a golden snitch (ball in the game of quidditch, re: Harry Potter) and why this was a funny premise for a pun.
I told some people at work that I like to think that MILF stands for Michelle I’d Like to Fuck.
I gave some friends an entire lesson on the evolution of Amazonian river dolphins, cried for 20 minutes because I caught my friends making out, and then invited an 18 year-old freshmen (I was a senior) back to my apt, promising him we could watch the new Harry Potter movie that I had just purchased.
I cried because some douche bag wouldn’t let me buy him a beer when I was getting rounds.
Peed in an ally way with two other people in plain view of many a passerby.
Bought gross street food, threw it away in US mailbox, took pictures of the felony.
Got mad at my friend when she drunkenly fell over and bruised her tailbone because she was, “embarrassing me in the club.”
I almost got in a fight with 3 ghetto girls. To be clear – they were being bitches, but perhaps mocking them wasn’t the best response.
I offered to cornrow a man’s hair. I don’t know how to cornrow.
Every guy I’ve ever slept with.
Anything I am forgetting? I really should avoid tequila on my birthday.