The Subway Diet.

by Michelle

Meeting crazy people on the subway is what keeps me off drugs – my version of the subway diet. I have met quite a few crazies  during my time thus far in NYC. The first was at 8pm on a friday night headed on the C train from Bedstuy to Manhattan. I hopped on the subway all ready for a fun night out and the first thing that happens is a clearly inebriated and homeless woman sitting directly across from me says, “I’m sorry I have to pee.” Then she proceeds to set her plastic bag of stuff down on the seat, pull her pants down, sit ON TOP of her stuff and take a piss. I was literally shocked. She then walked around with her piss covered plastic bag, trying to figure out what the next stop was, swinging the bag around flinging pee everywhere. This really escalated my stress because as a basic rule I try and avoid other people’s urine from getting on my person at all times. A couple of stops later she tried to talk to me, which I was just not okay with. Up until this point I had successfully avoided a golden shower, and I fully planned on continuing down the anti-urine path. “Miss! Miss! What time is it?” She says to me, and I ignore her. However, this only made her more aggressive and she started advancing on me yelling, “MISS! EXUSE ME! WHAT TIME IS IT??” My switch was flipped, I was angry. I wanted this person to leave me the fuck alone. I looked up at her and said, “I. Don’t. Know.” She responds sarcastically, “You don’t know what time it is? How is that possible.” This was it for me, I had to assert me dominance in the situation now or never. My hands were shaking, my heart was pumping, this woman made me seriously uncomfortable. I said, “Where the FUCK do you have to be? It can’t possibly be important enough for you to continue yelling at me.” She looked taken aback, stumbled a bit, and then walked away. This was when I first moved to NYC and subway occurrences regularly stressed me out.

The next two encounters were fairly recent. Last week I went to the batting cages with J Money and on my way home accidentally allowed an opening for a stranger to make conversation with me. He then asked me what I was reading – which is my least favorite question. I always want to say, “It’s a book called leave me the fuck alone I am reading.” But, of course, I tell him I am reading Guns, Germs and Steel. He then starts telling me how evolution isn’t real and it takes more faith to believe in science than god. Well, since this 7 toothed, balding, two umbrella carrying man was an obvious expert when it comes to science, I chose to simply say, “Yep.” He then told me all about he was going to run for the senate and then become the youngest president in history. He then told me that Obama needs to stop trying to sue Bush (actual story: A republican is lobbying to pass a bill that would allow congress to sue Bush for “national security” signing statements that he made during his presidency that gave congress a lesser power.) and remember that, “Terrorists are trying to kill us.” Well said, Sir, well said. My heart sank when he asked me if this train stopped at Franklin (my stop). I booked it off of the train when Franklin finally came, but not before he told me to watch him on fox “news” because he was going to have his own segment with them. Even though I would rather have a enema than ever watch fox news I said, “Will do!”

And then comes today’s experience. Today on the way home from the book club I recently joined, a man was sleeping across the way from me on the R train. He woke up just when I was nearing my stop, talked jibberish for 30 seconds and then produced the heartiest laugh I have ever hear. It took every ounce of self control I had to not to join him in the hearty laugh – it sounded like a good time.

If I ever forget my kindle, crazy people on the subway never fail to entertain me and remind me why I don’t do drugs.

Anderson out.

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