Christmas Sweater =/= Great Ass

by Michelle

Here’s the thing about office holiday parties: if there is alcohol, people will get drunk, and then all of the proverbial shit will the hit the fan (Side note: if/then statements are a very important literary device). My office holiday party was…an experience, to say the least. First I showed up 45 minutes late, but not because I was being fashionably late. I mean, who the fuck would show up 45 minutes late for an open bar that was only lasting 3 hours. No fucking way, I make $11/hour – I am getting my fucking money’s worth of booze. However, at the last minute the CEO needed me (out of all the interns, because I’m the bitch intern) to go to Best Buy and purchase a specific type of headphones. At 6pm. So in my super high heels I wobble my way down 5 long blocks and get to Best Buy and guess what? They don’t have the headphones. I think to myself, should I, perhaps, purchase similar headphones? No, I think, they wanted these ones specifically. I head back to the office, and it is empty except for the CEO and the executive assistant who tell me “I don’t care if they don’t have those exact headphones, just get whatever kind of headphones they have, we are going to return them anyways.” Now, forcing someone to go to best buy twice AFTER THEY ARE ALREADY OFF OF WORK for headphones you are simply going to return may seem stupid, but it gets. fucking. worse. I go back, buy the most expensive headphones they have and then make my way to the party. I give them the headphones and immediately slam two beers and a mini ‘za. Then the CEO gets up to give his speech, where I have to sit through a half hour of him saying Becoss instead of because. I still have no idea why I had to get the headphones before the party and then I am finally enlightened. The CEO says “we’re giving the entire engineers team noise canceling headphones just like these ones.” He holds up the box, “well not these ones, I am going to return these ones, but the ones we ordered from amazon should be here monday.” WHAT. THE. FUCK. I went to Best Buy twice so you could show them during your fucking speech?? WE ALL KNOW WHAT NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES ARE WE WORK IN THE FUCKING TECH INDUSTRY!!!! Two more beers and a shot of Patron please.

What a wonderful way to start of my night. How did it end, you ask? Oh just with me asking a coworker if he noticed my christmas themed sweater. His response? “Yes, and I’ve been noticing that ass all day.” Followed my a very firm and very public slapping of my ass.

I guess I can’t walk around with an ass like this expecting it to not get slapped.

Anderson Out